Now there’s a word - unfiltered - that seems like it could be a good thing. It conjures up being unshackled or uncensored, freedoms we value in some contexts. However, our echo chambers of social media and curated streaming services lull us into a false sense of security that everyone is going to unfilter their messages the same we we would. At least I did. But, as I recently discovered, being unfiltered isn’t always desirable. 

I resisted for Facebook for a long time. I knew I’d be sucked into the hypnotic FB surf that make it dangerous waters for me. My webmaster, though, was insistent - if I want to get my writing read more widely, I had to be more active on social media. I set up my own page, reluctantly, in January 2022. 

A few months in, I discovered the Ontario Widows(ers) page, a group of 1000 people who had experienced the death of a life partner. I’d found people with shared experience in the Twidow-verse but Twitter is a public forum whereas FB provided a closed group where members share personal things more freely. A few things frustrate me about that group though — the moderators have restricted posts that include links to websites so from a blog readership perspective, this group isn’t helpful. Worse though, a couple of my posts about finding a life after grief were not well-received by other group members. I’d either have to filter myself or defend myself: neither option felt right.

I was delighted, therefore, when I was invited to a newly formed FB group called Widow(er)s Unfiltered. The organizers wanted less focus on the shock of loss. Instead, they touted it as a safe place to discuss the more nuanced feelings about how life is, as well as how it might be.  

Many of the early Unfiltered posts related to finding new romantic partners, reminding me that many widow(er)s are newbies at being alone. This aspect of widowhood is merely a return to my pre-Jack life but with wrinkles. Actual wrinkles but others too - I have this widow business to explain, a status that sets me apart from most single people of my age who are typically divorced. My failure to sustain a long-term relationship is, on its face anyway, not my fault.* 

I shared on Unfiltered an observation about online dating made to me by a single friend: that the proliferation of online porn had affected men’s ability to relate to women - not just their sexual expectations but their understanding of women generally. I was curious whether those on Unfiltered who were testing their dating skills again could relate. I wasn’t passing judgment on porn-use but simply asking a question about others’ experiences. I was surprised by the comments my post elicited. Instead of reflecting on the bigger societal question, one chastised me for being judgmental about porn, indeed noting women, too, consume pornography. It was my first reminder of my echo chamber, suggesting Unfiltered had removed filters for some but perhaps not for feminists.  

Although a large majority of the Unfiltered members were women, one of its two male founders, Mario, was an active user. Younger than most of us, Mario regularly posted sexy photos of himself ready for a night on the town. He seemed harmless, posting these from a place of genuine insecurity, looking for the positive reinforcement the women in the group were prepared to give. It worked both ways — women would often post that they were heading out for dates and get similar encouragement.  Mario and others would post off-colour jokes which I ignored, as I’ve learned to do living, as I do, as a prude in a non-prude’s world. 

Unfiltered, however, went over the line when a female member of the group asked for feedback on her plan to cut her hair off, something she said her husband hadn’t ever wanted her to do. Fellow group members commented that if she felt this was the right thing for her, then she should do it. They offered encouragement but not for any aesthetic reason. They were certainly not commenting on the right or wrong way a woman should wear her hair or sexualizing a woman’s coif in any way. 

Then Mario weighed in with his mature and insightful opinion: A woman’s hair shouldn’t hang below her knockers. 

I wrote privately to the other male organizer advising him that while unfiltered in name and purpose, free expression can never be without limits.  I suggested he set a code of conduct prohibiting comments that relate to characteristics protected under human rights legislation including sex. I asked whether anyone else had complained about “knockers” and if so, I was prepared to go to bat on the issue. If not, I’d simply withdraw from the group. I’m so insulated from reality I thought others would protest Mario’s ill-chosen words. I was wrong.

The MeToo movement hit its stride in 2017 when women shared story after story of egregious harassment and abuse. I’m lucky I’ve reached mature middle age without experiencing anything like that. However, no woman has escaped the daily comments, dismissals, and looks from the Marios of the world. My younger self called out the sexist bullshit. As a 24 year old, I walked out of a work meeting at City Hall when some twerp made an hour-glass sign with his hands, symbolizing a shapely woman. But three decades later, I no longer have the energy. I quietly withdrew from Unfiltered, no longer willing to risk the inevitable ridicule in a setting where no-one seemed concerned. I’m not even sure anymore that it matters that Mario’s an idiot. I may be the last one concerned about discrimination on the basis of sex, however innocent. It may be that as other equity-seeking groups have found their voices, must women again endure the micro aggressions of days past.

Filters, as it turns out, are subjective and we each have an idea of which ones we want removed.  

And of course, I'll keep Mario's advice in mind as I let my hair grow for the first time in 20 years. 😃

* Sometimes I do feel a bit like the child in the late 90s who let their tamagotchi die - surely if I’d done better as a partner, Jack might have changed his lifestyle and lived? But those are rare bad thoughts and for further exploration in another blog.

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