Celia Chandler, Writer

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Last Will and Testament of me, Andrzej Jacek Sikorski

Celia Chandler

THIS IS THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT of me,

ANDRZEJ JACEK SIKORSKI

(also known as Jack Sikorski)

Currently residing in Weston in the City of Toronto, in the province of Ontario, made this 12th day of November, 2018, but originally from Wrocław, Poland. 

1. REVOCATION

I REVOKE all former Wills and testamentary dispositions made previously by me and declare this, in the last week of my life, to be my Last Will and Testament.

2. NON-REVOCATION

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT REVOKE, indeed I stand firmly behind: 

  • all the crazy shenanigans (a word I only just learned in my 30 year mission to conquer this bloody English but cannot deny applies) that made everyone around me laugh through my 67 years

  • my strongly held progressive views regarding Polish politics, especially my disdain for those “Kaczyński idiots”; my contempt for the Roman Catholic Church and in particular, its propaganda arm, Radio Maria; and my complete devotion to Jerzy Urban, and his controversial newsmagazine, Nie, that I’ve enjoyed weekly despite having left Poland

  • my right to: smoke in the house; consume too much sugar, salt, alcohol, and pork; drive aggressively and without a seatbelt; fucking swear as much as I fucking want; make up words in English (and Polish too because no-one in Canada knows better); be late; run out of gas; stay up all night; forget to invoice clients; collect dead appliances; watch movies in the morning; flirt shamelessly; ignore the doctor; forget to buy birthday and Christmas gifts; and still be a charismatic and loving man. 

3. DISPOSITION OF BODY 

Following my medically assisted death to be carried out on November 19, 2018, I request that my remains be cremated following a party at which my friends and relatives shall celebrate my life and honour my choice to die on my own terms with medical assistance. I request that there be vodka shots, a great deal of cheese consumed, and very few speeches. 

4. EXECUTOR AND TRUSTEE 

I APPOINT my third and final wife, Celia Chandler, the most organized person I’ve met, to be my executor and trustee of my estate. This will give her, for the first time, a chance to make order from the chaos in which I have happily lived my 67 years. I ask that when she mocks me posthumously, she does so only gently, although certainly she will have plenty of reason to do so. 

5. DISTRIBUTION OF ASSETS 

a. Specific Bequests

    • To my two sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and extended family and Polish diaspora in Canada, please remember me at my best, being the life of the party even when I arrived halfway through. 

    • To my clients, I leave memories of me McGyvering a fix for your appliances when others would have written them off, while simultaneously amusing the hell out of you. It was my honour to serve you. 

    • To my colleagues, please recall the hours and hours we spent in the shop shooting the shit, laughing, and smoking when we might have been working. Have no regrets. I don’t. 

    • To my suppliers, I leave you the knowledge I paid with money when I could and I was grateful for your leniency. I paid in wit though every time we spoke. 

    • To the convenience stores in Toronto who sold me cigarettes, I’m sorry. You’ll find a dip in revenues soon. 

    • To my two ex-wives, I leave the knowledge that we raised some great kids together.   

    • To my children and my grandchildren, I leave you: my endless capacity to laugh at the absurdity of life; a talent for turning everything into a sexual innuendo; unparalleled loyalty to people worthy of your respect; my allergy to stupidity; a strong sense of right and wrong; my innate capacity for figuring out technical problems; a way of learning languages with ease; an affection for jazz, food and drink; boundless confidence; not one shred of pretension; and my considerable charm. I also leave my tendency to excess: for this, I must caution you about the possibility of addiction and gout which would eventually have gotten me if cancer didn’t.

b. Residue 

    • If my wife, CELIA JOAN CHANDLER, is living on the 30th day following the date of my death, my trustee shall transfer the residue of my estate to her for her own use absolutely, including but not limited to:

      • the lingering taste of countless meals at home together 

      • deeper laugh lines 

      • a love of dogs

      • our well-worn SkipBo deck of cards 

      • improved driving skills

      • memories of trips to Poland, Ireland, Denmark, Sweden, England, Iceland, and Portugal; road trips to PEI and northern Ontario; weekends in Ottawa, Montreal, Victoria, and Vancouver; a ride on the Rocky Mountaineer; and Ontario cottage getaways

      • cohosting skills honed by countless house parties

      • a messed up Netflix algorithm that reflects our shared love of dark Scandinavian crime dramas and Aussie comedies mixed with my love of action films and kids fantasies 

      • two Honda Elements - you can never have too many 

      • a lifetime supply of Accord Appliance envelopes 

      • a new roof, windows, furnace, water heater, basement floor, and most especially, a brand new garage, ready for conversion to your own laneway suite

      • a more flexible approach to the world 

Together we lived nine of the best years of both our lives. 

Be happy. 

SIGNED by ANDRZEJ JACEK SIKORSKI

In our presence 

_________________________________________

ANDRZEJ JACEK SIKORSKI

WITNESS: _________________________ WITNESS: _________________________

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